Isla, painted in acrylic on the back of a 3X5 index card.
Every day of my life since September of 2003, when I arrived here in Blacksburg, has been a day exploration, adventure, and self-discovery limited only by the shadows of fear lurking deep within my own mind. Without a doubt, I’ve never felt so completely loved or accepted for who I am and not what I can do. And I am doubly blessed to feel this, not only from Jon, but from his mother, too (and his dad, who lets me play with the toys in his shop whenever we visit).
Often, though, I feel like I’m suddenly living my life in reverse, overloading on all the trivial but oh-so exciting discoveries I should have made when I was younger — much, much younger — but was too busy just trying to survive. Over the last five years, I have done so many projects: marbling and (re-)making paper; binding books and assembling art; and sculpting with polymer clay. Even cooking, gardening, and sewing have become artistic endeavors, igniting within me a sense of ownership like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I invest myself in them for no other reason than to ENJOY them. What a concept! Who knew?!
With every OMG, I did that! revelation comes the deeper understanding that, yes, I can do anything if I make up my mind to do it. I quit smoking in one day this way, by simply making my mind up to do it. I never looked back and quitting turned out easy, quick, and painless. Of course, I agonized over it for 11 months before I acted, and that in itself should have been the bigger lesson.
I do miss smoking, though. The peace and quiet are sometimes awkward for me, too.
I don’t know the muse who prompted me to paint today. This was not a premeditated choice, but rather a random act of curiosity. I opened my art journal and saw one of my practice sketches of Isla and thought, I should paint that. I’ve spent the last year trying to convince myself that yes, with enough practice, I might-possibly draw one day, too. I see the improvements as I noodle along, but admit that I’m not that diligent. There are just so many avenues to explore.
But, to say I was shocked at the outcome would be an understatement. I sat here for a while letting the tears come, reflecting, reliving memories that I thought were long-buried. I am sure there are a whole host of mistakes in this one little painting as seen by the trained eye, but it doesn’t matter. It’s my first painting EVER and was done while wholly surrendered to the spirit of “what if?” For all of her crookedness, there is a vitality, a spirit in her, if you will, and she is mine.
Yeah, I did that. And, in doing so, discovered I am limited only by the boundaries of my own inexperience. From here, it can only get better. I can only grow bolder … and thinner, because it’s NOT Oreos and really muchmuchMUCH better for me.
May there be wild abandon in all that you create now and tomorrow.
Aloha and good night.